Trauma

{I will not be shaken}

January 17, 2014 Journal Entry:
I am just a broken-shattered-little girl, grasping for what I think is dear life.  But what I grasp for only numbs the pain until its ready to chuck me back to the ground and start the vicious cycle all over again…

This cannot be the pattern of life.
This is the pattern of death.

That was me 6 months ago, to which I respond.

river1 river20

I have seen much darkness,
but I know my heart in Yours, I will not be shaken.
Depression has pushed me down, laughed in my face and terrorized my dreams,
but  I know my heart in Yours, I will not be shaken.
Fear has knocked on my door, brought me photos to remind me of the past, and tried to convince me of my future,
but now – I look up to my father in heaven for everything.
I know my heart in yours, I will not be shaken.
I fell down, looked at the cuts, saw the scars, and sighed, 
but you whispered my name, and the strength of your voice lifted me up to my feet.
I know my heart in yours, I will not be shaken,
instead I will show the beauty you have given me for ashes,
and I will glorify your name forever and ever,
amen. 

river22

 

Now you’ve got my feet on the life path, all radiant from the shining of your face. Ever since you took my hand, I’m on the right way. {Psalm 16:11}
God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start. Now I’m alert to God’s ways; I don’t take God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I’m watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes. {Psalm 18:20-24}
Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I’m back home in the house of God for the rest of my life. {Psalm 23:6}
He forgives your sins—every one. He heals your diseases—every one. He redeems you from hell—saves your life! He crowns you with love and mercy—a paradise crown. He wraps you in goodness—beauty eternal. He renews your youth—you’re always young in his presence. {Psalm 103:3-5}
God, you did everything you promised, and I’m thanking you with all my heart. You pulled me from the brink of death, my feet from the cliff-edge of doom. Now I stroll at leisure with God in the sunlit fields of life. {Psalm 56:12-13}

 

 

Advertisements

Facing Fears vs. Breaking Chains

momo1
Last night church was amazing.  “Can you hear it? The sound of Heaven touching earth”.  When we worship our God, when we stand in his presence, things happen.  He shows us things that help us, that He needs us to see.  Maybe a new perspective, a new hope, a new dream, or a new prayer.  Thats who God is.  It’s simple, and its beautiful.  We don’t have religion, we a have a relationship, so when we call to him, He calls back.

This summer has been beautiful, but also very challenging.  I felt like all these little things were eating me alive.  One thing just building on another.  End result: anxiety or panic attacks.   I felt like a contestant on a Fear Factor episode titled, “The Summer to Face all your Fears” and I wasn’t thrilled.  From bugs to family members with cancer.  Anything that could frighten me in one way or another came.

But last night God dropped something in my heart.  He told me it’s not about facing the fears, its about breaking the chains.  Facing your fears is temporary.  Fear Factor puts you in a traumatic state for a time, I’m positive your adrenaline spikes, and then you return home and you know what? You still live with that fear.

Breaking the chains is allowing the blood of Jesus to break the power that the fear holds over you.  Of course in life we run into troubling times.  But when a chain is broken, the traumatizing, paralyzing factor is gone.  The next time you come up against that fear, you speak to it.  Yes words hold that much power – “Words can be your salvation. Words can also be your damnation.” -Matt 12:37 MSG.

You hold authority to call out the lies that intertwine in an event to make you a prisoner to fear.  This happens on a large and small scale.   When you acknowledge God in these times, is when he opens your eyes to what’s really going on, not what the world is gonna tell you to pull you down.

The key to freedom is truth.

And the truth brings in the flood of peace.  Sometimes we can’t see the simple truths for ourselves.  We need God to bring something into the light to show us the key to what we’re fearing because in reality, the only one we need to fear is God.

One example from my life – being afraid of the dark, hating the sun going down, lying in bed praying for the sun to come up.  I’ve been struggling with this for a while.  Literally feeling mildly depressed as the sun went down.  Well last week I woke up every night around 2 or 3am.  I’d sit up in bed and think, “why the heck am I awake?”  Even journaled, “God are you waking me up? What are you trying to show me?”.  I really believe he was just showing me, “Hey look its still dark, and I’m still here, and I haven’t left you”.

The truth and the key – He doesn’t leave us.  He’s right with us in the darkest hours and we don’t have to fear.  The truth – He is a constant source of love ready to empower us to have courage and walk through the valley.

So I guess right now, I’m learning to draw from His power.  I’m learning to run fast to him, and cling to what I do know to be true.  I’m taking steps towards freedom every time I decide to not give into fear, but stand in the light of the truth.

Whom the Son sets free, is free indeed.

You see, I believe that Jesus died for me.  Why? Because He loved me.  Because I had sin in my life, and as a child of God, he wanted me back.  This separation from him is real, but now its gone.  And when I got baptized in water, it  meant that I had died to my old life and risen with a new life in Him, beautiful symbolism.  I decided that no matter what happened, I would live my life for Him. He has given me life in more ways than one.  But he didn’t just die for me.  He died for everyone.  He died for you.

So today, I want to do something (not on my own, but with His help, as if I was holding his hand) that set some people free, because he didn’t just die for me, he died for the people that hurt me too.

I want to forgive the man that sexually abused me. I want him to know that he has been forgiven.

There is no way I could do this just as Morgan.  I am forgiving him because of Jesus and in Jesus name and with the help of Jesus.  And there is power in his name, which allows me to write this out.

So I pray he finds this post below:

I want to say I forgive you for the pain you caused me, when I realized what you had done to me over many years was wrong.  When the truth hit my mind, I suddenly found myself in an exhaustible cycle of pain.  I had a hard time in school, and I had a hard time living, and I’m still unwinding the damage, but even so, I forgive you.  I want to forgive you for the damage you caused in my relationships with my sister and cousins and best friends.  We lost some precious years because we were on a journey of pain, walking through unmerited shame, with broken down boundaries .  I want to forgive you for what you made us go through in court, it was a taste of hell on earth for all of us, but I forgive you.  I want to forgive you for the pain you caused my family.  The pain you especially caused my parents, because it trickled down to the rest of us, and it wasn’t their fault.  I want to forgive you for the guilt my parents felt when they thought they didn’t protect us, that was your fault, but I want to forgive you for it. I want to forgive you  for the damage you caused my mind when you lied to me, I forgive you for the inability I have to trust others, because of all the trust you broke with us.  I forgive you for not standing up and telling the truth about what happened.  And I also want to forgive your wife who hurt me by staying with you while we lived under the abuse.  I forgive you for the time I lost with her.  You are forgiven.  The end.  No resentment, no grudge.  I want to be set free like I was intended to, and I was nudged by God as he reminded me that you are equally his child and didn’t deserve this freedom either, but he still gave it to us.  You are still a child of God, but you need to accept His forgiveness, and be set free.  As much as my flesh wants to hate you forever, because I write this through my tears, the enemy has been defeated and I am called to forgive, as I have been forgiven.  So I hope you are set free from the chains the enemy has placed on you, let us deny the enemy his pleasure.  I declare you free in the name of Jesus and by his blood, be set free.  God meets us half way, he doesn’t force anything on us.  He gave us a choice.  I pray that you walk the other half, he is waiting!   Amen.
221994f32f57e8b3e9378fefc5436a9c

Morgan

Strong through EVERY Trial.

406804_383769961700996_855137644_nA lyric in a new song at church caused my heart to stop and think a few weeks ago.  The line speaking of our mighty God sang, “strong through every trial”.  The word “trial” stopped me in my worship and suddenly my mind went back to the trial in court that 7 other girls and I had been through almost 5 years ago.

It was a very dark time.  On a worldly level, the man who sexually abused us over many many years got away free and clean.  A couple fines here, some community service there.  On a worldly level, my heart aches, bad.  I felt a huge sense of injustice, and for years there has been a wound of defeat and a lingering fear that he’s still out there; as though our cries for help meant nothing.  But when I heard this song, and was surfing back through the emotions of the trial, the feelings of defeat and the constant flow of pain, it all began to be replaced with the words “strong through every trial”.  My heart was still.

Though we knew the truth of what happened to us, it felt like our eyes were covered to the truth of what was really happening.  No amount of darkness can hide the Lord and his power and his strength and his goodness.  No court case, judge, defending attorney or jurors can say what our God does.  And he wins.  We had the truth, we were set free.  The truth is light.  And the light is God. “The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overpowered it” (John 1:5) Nor will it ever.  The freedom we have is walking in the light and so we are blessed. WE ARE FREE.  The battle was not ours to fight, it was Gods.  In his hands, He replaces our fear with his perfect love.

A huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders.  I feel lighter already. It is not about the justice that man gives on earth.  We keep our eyes heavenward because under His care we are taken care of, in EVERY situation.  No longer do I have to worry about my enemies, “God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever”(ps 73:26).  Every trial, He is strong. Acknowledge him and watch as your chains melt to the ground.  Be set free lovely people.  What more do we need? The victory through HIM is ours. Claim it baby, claim it.

Psalm 85:10
“Love and truth belong to God’s people;
goodness and peace will be theirs.”

Psalm 34:13-15
keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from telling lies.
Turn from evil and do good;
SEEK peace and pursue it.
The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are attentive, to their cry;

Proverbs 3:3
Don’t ever forget kindness and truth. Wear them like a necklace. Write them on your heart as if on a tablet.

Novblog

Chains Be Broken.

I feel a new freedom I’ve never felt before.  A healing I could not have imagined.  I don’t believe that the healing is complete, but I already feel like a new person. I’ve tasted it, and I want more.  I feel like there were chains restraining me for most of my life.  Maybe from the sexual abuse I experienced from an early age on till about age 17.  A significant amount of damage and defense mechanisms were created during that time, and especially after.  How many people in this world are having a hard season, but are actually just in bondage from this broken world?

God removed me from my homemade comfort zone of unhealthy thinking and habits to show me that HE is actually my comfort zone.  In Him I have found freedom.  “and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32).

So maybe it took a move across the Pacific Ocean, but my life will never be the same, so the sacrifice of this difficult distance will be worth it, I know.  I will be able to love more freely, because no longer will the enemy be able to restrain me and keep me in a cycle of darkness. I am getting stronger each day.

  Since my time here, and it has gone by speedily, my memory has improved.  I am able to comprehend and remember what I am learning, for what seems like the first time in my life.  My mind is being healed.  My mind is not trying to block memories.  Instead it is unraveling them, and they are hard things, but in return I am experiencing complete restoration – a necessary journey for growth to happen.

I want to thank you all for your encouragement, letters, packages, support, prayers, and emails.  Each contact from home feels like there is a crowd cheering me on.  It has not been easy, but God uses you all to keep me fueled and going.  He is allowing me to learn to fully depend on Him, this semester in my finances (which is new for me!).  My time here is being funded on sponsors alone.  I felt very strongly that I was not meant to get a job, stepping out of another comfort zone.  I have supported myself for the last 5 years.  Now I look Heavenward for every need.  And needs are being met, daily.  God keeps blowing me away, like when three bags of summer clothes are passed on to us, or a meal is provided out of nowhere.

At this point 50% of my rent is covered by sponsors.  I cannot see where the missing money will come in from, but I am walking in the truth that it will come.  God is faithful, “if we are faithless, he remains faithful” (2 Timothy 2:13).  God did not work out every little detail for me to come here, to fail me.  He told me that he would provide the money, and even if it came at the last second it was coming.  So I walk by faith and not what I perceive with my own ideas, eyes, and thoughts.

I am so blessed to be here!  Thank you for standing by me in this crazy Aussie journey.  I wanted to introduce you to two new members of my family.  The first is my wonderful boyfriend, Brian Altizer (Cali boy) J.  Today is our one-month anniversary, and he has been the biggest blessing to my life.  He is constantly pointing me back to God, and encouraging me.  It feels like he’s been on this entire Hillsong journey with me even though he lives across the big blue!

I also want to introduce you to my sisters BEAUTIFUL new baby boy, Vhayde.  He came in at 9 lbs 3 oz during my spring break, so I had the ability to Skype into the hospital adventure and meet the sweet pea.  My sis is home and doing well.  Love you all! Miss you!

~Seeking the Lord’s will with my time here as I move towards a visit home for Christmas~

Hugs,

Morgie

ps- I think I will be a whole new lady when I get home 🙂 Can’t wait to see you all ❤