Faith

{I will not be shaken}

January 17, 2014 Journal Entry:
I am just a broken-shattered-little girl, grasping for what I think is dear life.  But what I grasp for only numbs the pain until its ready to chuck me back to the ground and start the vicious cycle all over again…

This cannot be the pattern of life.
This is the pattern of death.

That was me 6 months ago, to which I respond.

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I have seen much darkness,
but I know my heart in Yours, I will not be shaken.
Depression has pushed me down, laughed in my face and terrorized my dreams,
but  I know my heart in Yours, I will not be shaken.
Fear has knocked on my door, brought me photos to remind me of the past, and tried to convince me of my future,
but now – I look up to my father in heaven for everything.
I know my heart in yours, I will not be shaken.
I fell down, looked at the cuts, saw the scars, and sighed, 
but you whispered my name, and the strength of your voice lifted me up to my feet.
I know my heart in yours, I will not be shaken,
instead I will show the beauty you have given me for ashes,
and I will glorify your name forever and ever,
amen. 

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Now you’ve got my feet on the life path, all radiant from the shining of your face. Ever since you took my hand, I’m on the right way. {Psalm 16:11}
God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start. Now I’m alert to God’s ways; I don’t take God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I’m watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes. {Psalm 18:20-24}
Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I’m back home in the house of God for the rest of my life. {Psalm 23:6}
He forgives your sins—every one. He heals your diseases—every one. He redeems you from hell—saves your life! He crowns you with love and mercy—a paradise crown. He wraps you in goodness—beauty eternal. He renews your youth—you’re always young in his presence. {Psalm 103:3-5}
God, you did everything you promised, and I’m thanking you with all my heart. You pulled me from the brink of death, my feet from the cliff-edge of doom. Now I stroll at leisure with God in the sunlit fields of life. {Psalm 56:12-13}

 

 

Facing Fears vs. Breaking Chains

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Last night church was amazing.  “Can you hear it? The sound of Heaven touching earth”.  When we worship our God, when we stand in his presence, things happen.  He shows us things that help us, that He needs us to see.  Maybe a new perspective, a new hope, a new dream, or a new prayer.  Thats who God is.  It’s simple, and its beautiful.  We don’t have religion, we a have a relationship, so when we call to him, He calls back.

This summer has been beautiful, but also very challenging.  I felt like all these little things were eating me alive.  One thing just building on another.  End result: anxiety or panic attacks.   I felt like a contestant on a Fear Factor episode titled, “The Summer to Face all your Fears” and I wasn’t thrilled.  From bugs to family members with cancer.  Anything that could frighten me in one way or another came.

But last night God dropped something in my heart.  He told me it’s not about facing the fears, its about breaking the chains.  Facing your fears is temporary.  Fear Factor puts you in a traumatic state for a time, I’m positive your adrenaline spikes, and then you return home and you know what? You still live with that fear.

Breaking the chains is allowing the blood of Jesus to break the power that the fear holds over you.  Of course in life we run into troubling times.  But when a chain is broken, the traumatizing, paralyzing factor is gone.  The next time you come up against that fear, you speak to it.  Yes words hold that much power – “Words can be your salvation. Words can also be your damnation.” -Matt 12:37 MSG.

You hold authority to call out the lies that intertwine in an event to make you a prisoner to fear.  This happens on a large and small scale.   When you acknowledge God in these times, is when he opens your eyes to what’s really going on, not what the world is gonna tell you to pull you down.

The key to freedom is truth.

And the truth brings in the flood of peace.  Sometimes we can’t see the simple truths for ourselves.  We need God to bring something into the light to show us the key to what we’re fearing because in reality, the only one we need to fear is God.

One example from my life – being afraid of the dark, hating the sun going down, lying in bed praying for the sun to come up.  I’ve been struggling with this for a while.  Literally feeling mildly depressed as the sun went down.  Well last week I woke up every night around 2 or 3am.  I’d sit up in bed and think, “why the heck am I awake?”  Even journaled, “God are you waking me up? What are you trying to show me?”.  I really believe he was just showing me, “Hey look its still dark, and I’m still here, and I haven’t left you”.

The truth and the key – He doesn’t leave us.  He’s right with us in the darkest hours and we don’t have to fear.  The truth – He is a constant source of love ready to empower us to have courage and walk through the valley.

So I guess right now, I’m learning to draw from His power.  I’m learning to run fast to him, and cling to what I do know to be true.  I’m taking steps towards freedom every time I decide to not give into fear, but stand in the light of the truth.

Whom the Son sets free, is free indeed.

You see, I believe that Jesus died for me.  Why? Because He loved me.  Because I had sin in my life, and as a child of God, he wanted me back.  This separation from him is real, but now its gone.  And when I got baptized in water, it  meant that I had died to my old life and risen with a new life in Him, beautiful symbolism.  I decided that no matter what happened, I would live my life for Him. He has given me life in more ways than one.  But he didn’t just die for me.  He died for everyone.  He died for you.

So today, I want to do something (not on my own, but with His help, as if I was holding his hand) that set some people free, because he didn’t just die for me, he died for the people that hurt me too.

I want to forgive the man that sexually abused me. I want him to know that he has been forgiven.

There is no way I could do this just as Morgan.  I am forgiving him because of Jesus and in Jesus name and with the help of Jesus.  And there is power in his name, which allows me to write this out.

So I pray he finds this post below:

I want to say I forgive you for the pain you caused me, when I realized what you had done to me over many years was wrong.  When the truth hit my mind, I suddenly found myself in an exhaustible cycle of pain.  I had a hard time in school, and I had a hard time living, and I’m still unwinding the damage, but even so, I forgive you.  I want to forgive you for the damage you caused in my relationships with my sister and cousins and best friends.  We lost some precious years because we were on a journey of pain, walking through unmerited shame, with broken down boundaries .  I want to forgive you for what you made us go through in court, it was a taste of hell on earth for all of us, but I forgive you.  I want to forgive you for the pain you caused my family.  The pain you especially caused my parents, because it trickled down to the rest of us, and it wasn’t their fault.  I want to forgive you for the guilt my parents felt when they thought they didn’t protect us, that was your fault, but I want to forgive you for it. I want to forgive you  for the damage you caused my mind when you lied to me, I forgive you for the inability I have to trust others, because of all the trust you broke with us.  I forgive you for not standing up and telling the truth about what happened.  And I also want to forgive your wife who hurt me by staying with you while we lived under the abuse.  I forgive you for the time I lost with her.  You are forgiven.  The end.  No resentment, no grudge.  I want to be set free like I was intended to, and I was nudged by God as he reminded me that you are equally his child and didn’t deserve this freedom either, but he still gave it to us.  You are still a child of God, but you need to accept His forgiveness, and be set free.  As much as my flesh wants to hate you forever, because I write this through my tears, the enemy has been defeated and I am called to forgive, as I have been forgiven.  So I hope you are set free from the chains the enemy has placed on you, let us deny the enemy his pleasure.  I declare you free in the name of Jesus and by his blood, be set free.  God meets us half way, he doesn’t force anything on us.  He gave us a choice.  I pray that you walk the other half, he is waiting!   Amen.
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Morgan

I have decided.

To all the lovelies back home.  I have decided to continue my study at Hillsong College.  It is more than a decision to stay in Australia for the heck of it.  Its nice here, but I would never trade my family for a vacation. It is more of a personal decision to keep growing, and work on myself, to grow my roots deeper.   It has been such a hard decision, I’ve stayed up late thinking how will I tell my sisters and my mom….and I will miss this, and I will miss that, and what about starting my life? Is this a waste? All these questions have ransacked my brain.  But I pray that when I come home, and I am able to speak into your lives, because I have become alive myself, and awakened the parts of me I have buried, and covered, and ignored, that you will see the freedom, and you will see God in me, and you will know that this sacrifice for all of us would have been the right choice.  So just know that I love you guys!  I miss you more than you’ll ever know.  But this is where I am being called right now. Oi…

Love and hugs and more hugs.

Morgie.
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Challenged to Persevere

In the midst of a storm our minds are busy at work.  We are forming a plan to survive.  Forward or backward, to the right or to the left.  We are forced to move, and the decision is completely ours.
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I have been challenged by my baptism this last week.  It has been a hard, dark week.  Taunted by nightmares, normal blows of life, and hardship.  God is walking me through, but he doesnt force me to do anything, he gives me the free will to make my own choices.

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In my quiet time God reminded me the moment of Sam asking me in the baptism pool, “Why are you getting baptized tonight?”
I responded with “Because I want to serve the Lord my whole life, no matter what happens”.  No matter what happens, I made the decision.

So now on my storm front, I am up against decisions, and I have to decide to follow or fall.
photo I can either fall because I gave up, or I can fall fighting for the name of Jesus.  When I choose to follow him, no matter how hard it hurts, I believe He will lift me back up.  “The only temptation that has come to you is that which everyone has. But you can trust God, who will not permit you to be tempted more than you can stand. But when you are tempted, he will also give you a way to escape so that you will be able to stand it.” (1 Cor 10:13 MSG).
dd73ad2bd86fe21a3b3ee8b07cc87729Friend.  Life is full of storms.  They hurt – this I know.  The waves will knock you down, but they only last a moment.  “So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.” (Rom 12:1-2 MSG).
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This is a hard season but I am holding onto the truth, leaning into the Spirit, and going to immerse myself in the word.  I will overcome & because my words have power I will continue to speak this over my life.  Thank you for your prayers!

Morgie xoxo

Slam Poetry – Overcome

Slam Poetry (thank you – def from Urban Dictionary):

n. A style of spoken word poetry that is generally used in a competition, known as a poetry slam. Often, as with hip-hop music, the subject matter concerns urban life, crime, drugs, or other inner-city-related subjects. The difference in many cases, however, is that with slam poetry, the words/lyrics are more introspective and creative than your run-of-the-mill hit rap song. Also seems influenced by the Beat Poets, such as Allen Ginsberg and Jack Kerouac.

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So many things trying to haunt my house
Add shame
Add guilt
Subtract self worth and kidnap my security too.
Trying to fight what ingredients get thrown in my bowl of life. Darkness robbing my sleep tank.
Don’t wake me when I fall, if I fall asleep.
But I need you to shake me from this nightmare.
The darkness chokes me.
I cry for the sun to come.
I’m done fighting
But I’ve never wanted to fight harder.
Push me down
I’ve already eaten my tears; they’ve been my food day and night. What’s it gonna take to break free of destruction?
The oven. The fire.
It burns the impurities right out of my broken and evil heart.
It refines my soul, my thoughts.
Add health. Zest. Buoyancy. Resilience. Truth.
Add Authentic Love.
Subtract the darkness.

It hurts, a lot. It’s hot. It’s uncomfortable.
Its a beautiful disaster. Its new.
I don’t know if I can take anymore.Then the door opens, New life rushes my lungs.
I can breathe.
I’m free.
I’m finished.
He overcame
So that
I
Could
Overcome.
Whom the Son sets free, he is free
indeed.

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Strong through EVERY Trial.

406804_383769961700996_855137644_nA lyric in a new song at church caused my heart to stop and think a few weeks ago.  The line speaking of our mighty God sang, “strong through every trial”.  The word “trial” stopped me in my worship and suddenly my mind went back to the trial in court that 7 other girls and I had been through almost 5 years ago.

It was a very dark time.  On a worldly level, the man who sexually abused us over many many years got away free and clean.  A couple fines here, some community service there.  On a worldly level, my heart aches, bad.  I felt a huge sense of injustice, and for years there has been a wound of defeat and a lingering fear that he’s still out there; as though our cries for help meant nothing.  But when I heard this song, and was surfing back through the emotions of the trial, the feelings of defeat and the constant flow of pain, it all began to be replaced with the words “strong through every trial”.  My heart was still.

Though we knew the truth of what happened to us, it felt like our eyes were covered to the truth of what was really happening.  No amount of darkness can hide the Lord and his power and his strength and his goodness.  No court case, judge, defending attorney or jurors can say what our God does.  And he wins.  We had the truth, we were set free.  The truth is light.  And the light is God. “The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overpowered it” (John 1:5) Nor will it ever.  The freedom we have is walking in the light and so we are blessed. WE ARE FREE.  The battle was not ours to fight, it was Gods.  In his hands, He replaces our fear with his perfect love.

A huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders.  I feel lighter already. It is not about the justice that man gives on earth.  We keep our eyes heavenward because under His care we are taken care of, in EVERY situation.  No longer do I have to worry about my enemies, “God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever”(ps 73:26).  Every trial, He is strong. Acknowledge him and watch as your chains melt to the ground.  Be set free lovely people.  What more do we need? The victory through HIM is ours. Claim it baby, claim it.

Psalm 85:10
“Love and truth belong to God’s people;
goodness and peace will be theirs.”

Psalm 34:13-15
keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from telling lies.
Turn from evil and do good;
SEEK peace and pursue it.
The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are attentive, to their cry;

Proverbs 3:3
Don’t ever forget kindness and truth. Wear them like a necklace. Write them on your heart as if on a tablet.

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