Today while you were driving me back to Jessup so that I could catch my ride to Auburn I was deep in thought. I think at the time we were listening to “Stronger” by Kelly Clarkson 🙂
I thought about your life, and I thought about mine. I thought about the deep sadness from life I’ve experienced, and I know of the deep pain and sadness you’ve experienced. A list of all the pain, loss, struggles, deaths, and hardships we have collected would cover more space than anybody living here today would wish to experience. I think you and I also deal with these things the same way so when I see you doing certain things, I know why you’re doing them. It makes me sad, because of what you’re going through, but I don’t judge you for them. I turn my music up loud enough to drown out my thoughts too. I write encouraging notes on my mirror to keep me going in a positive direction when I feel like hiding away forever. I have ways to cover the pain, because its all I know how to do right now. The questions come into my head, “what have I done to deserve this?”,
“when does the pain go away?”,
“why did those things have to happen?”,
“is there a single soul out there who knows what this feels like?”
The conclusion I have come to that I want you to see too is –Maybe my life is actually worth something, if it is this hard, if I have to fight this much. Beyond what I can see there has to be a reason I am here. Otherwise the devil wouldn’t work so hard at ruining it–
Yesterday I was reading in 2 Corinthians 12. Paul wrote about his life struggles. Though a hard worker, he experienced abuse, beatings, whippings, lashings, jail time, shipwrecks, muggings, storms, betrayal, loneliness, sleepless nights, and hunger. On top of all of this he had a speech impediment and a painful physical problem that he asked the Lord to relieve him from. He was supposed to be this man of Godly knowledge telling others the good news and he could hardly talk in front of people. The “thorn in his flesh” kept him humble from the great things he experienced. If I were Paul, I would have wondered what the point of all the suffering was? But he knew.
‘Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees.’
But God said, ‘My strength comes into its own in your weakness.’
And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.
(The Message 2 Cor. 12)
Do you see it now mom? Let the veil of pain that has been blinding the both of us be pulled back. Let the sun hit you for the first time and take a deep breath. We are going to be okay. We might have to shed the clothes of distress daily, but we have great purpose. Something is working against us because we have purpose.
Yesterday when we were literally almost smashed to pieces by that semi, I found it so ironic that you said we survived because of me. Because I am supposed to go to Hillsong. I SO believe that I am meant to go to that school, but isn’t it funny that just moments before I was thinking of how valuable YOUR life is? How valuable OUR lives are? We have purpose. So I just want to say, I love you so much. I am sorry for the things you have gone through. I do know how you feel. But we need to start asking God whats the deal? What amazing thing, big or small, does he have us here for? I will start by going to Hillsong. I am excited to keep living this life with you and I look forward to seeing all the amazing things you do that you’re here for. Feel encouraged mom. Feel blessed. You deserve the best though you may not get it on this earth.
I love you.
I hope this made sense.
We got this. The weaker we get, the stronger we get:)