{I will not be shaken}

January 17, 2014 Journal Entry:
I am just a broken-shattered-little girl, grasping for what I think is dear life.  But what I grasp for only numbs the pain until its ready to chuck me back to the ground and start the vicious cycle all over again…

This cannot be the pattern of life.
This is the pattern of death.

That was me 6 months ago, to which I respond.

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I have seen much darkness,
but I know my heart in Yours, I will not be shaken.
Depression has pushed me down, laughed in my face and terrorized my dreams,
but  I know my heart in Yours, I will not be shaken.
Fear has knocked on my door, brought me photos to remind me of the past, and tried to convince me of my future,
but now – I look up to my father in heaven for everything.
I know my heart in yours, I will not be shaken.
I fell down, looked at the cuts, saw the scars, and sighed, 
but you whispered my name, and the strength of your voice lifted me up to my feet.
I know my heart in yours, I will not be shaken,
instead I will show the beauty you have given me for ashes,
and I will glorify your name forever and ever,
amen. 

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Now you’ve got my feet on the life path, all radiant from the shining of your face. Ever since you took my hand, I’m on the right way. {Psalm 16:11}
God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start. Now I’m alert to God’s ways; I don’t take God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I’m watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes. {Psalm 18:20-24}
Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I’m back home in the house of God for the rest of my life. {Psalm 23:6}
He forgives your sins—every one. He heals your diseases—every one. He redeems you from hell—saves your life! He crowns you with love and mercy—a paradise crown. He wraps you in goodness—beauty eternal. He renews your youth—you’re always young in his presence. {Psalm 103:3-5}
God, you did everything you promised, and I’m thanking you with all my heart. You pulled me from the brink of death, my feet from the cliff-edge of doom. Now I stroll at leisure with God in the sunlit fields of life. {Psalm 56:12-13}

 

 

Facing Fears vs. Breaking Chains

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Last night church was amazing.  “Can you hear it? The sound of Heaven touching earth”.  When we worship our God, when we stand in his presence, things happen.  He shows us things that help us, that He needs us to see.  Maybe a new perspective, a new hope, a new dream, or a new prayer.  Thats who God is.  It’s simple, and its beautiful.  We don’t have religion, we a have a relationship, so when we call to him, He calls back.

This summer has been beautiful, but also very challenging.  I felt like all these little things were eating me alive.  One thing just building on another.  End result: anxiety or panic attacks.   I felt like a contestant on a Fear Factor episode titled, “The Summer to Face all your Fears” and I wasn’t thrilled.  From bugs to family members with cancer.  Anything that could frighten me in one way or another came.

But last night God dropped something in my heart.  He told me it’s not about facing the fears, its about breaking the chains.  Facing your fears is temporary.  Fear Factor puts you in a traumatic state for a time, I’m positive your adrenaline spikes, and then you return home and you know what? You still live with that fear.

Breaking the chains is allowing the blood of Jesus to break the power that the fear holds over you.  Of course in life we run into troubling times.  But when a chain is broken, the traumatizing, paralyzing factor is gone.  The next time you come up against that fear, you speak to it.  Yes words hold that much power – “Words can be your salvation. Words can also be your damnation.” -Matt 12:37 MSG.

You hold authority to call out the lies that intertwine in an event to make you a prisoner to fear.  This happens on a large and small scale.   When you acknowledge God in these times, is when he opens your eyes to what’s really going on, not what the world is gonna tell you to pull you down.

The key to freedom is truth.

And the truth brings in the flood of peace.  Sometimes we can’t see the simple truths for ourselves.  We need God to bring something into the light to show us the key to what we’re fearing because in reality, the only one we need to fear is God.

One example from my life – being afraid of the dark, hating the sun going down, lying in bed praying for the sun to come up.  I’ve been struggling with this for a while.  Literally feeling mildly depressed as the sun went down.  Well last week I woke up every night around 2 or 3am.  I’d sit up in bed and think, “why the heck am I awake?”  Even journaled, “God are you waking me up? What are you trying to show me?”.  I really believe he was just showing me, “Hey look its still dark, and I’m still here, and I haven’t left you”.

The truth and the key – He doesn’t leave us.  He’s right with us in the darkest hours and we don’t have to fear.  The truth – He is a constant source of love ready to empower us to have courage and walk through the valley.

So I guess right now, I’m learning to draw from His power.  I’m learning to run fast to him, and cling to what I do know to be true.  I’m taking steps towards freedom every time I decide to not give into fear, but stand in the light of the truth.

I will remember.

imageI will remember.

I am on such a journey right now.  And God is revealing more and more of himself to me.  And today my revelation is that I must not forget what He’s done, but that I will remember.  And that when I start to question God and his involvement in my life he says, “Just remember.”

I was given a journal a couple weeks before I left for Australia and it was decorated with “Australia”on the cover.  The beautiful woman who gave it to me said, “write down everything that happens so you can share it once you get back!”
Naturally as a devoted journaling queen I thought of course!  Little did i know of the records of things I’d be keeping.
Today in Old Testament class, taught by our principle Catrina, I could see myself as an israellite. The Israelites, Gods chosen people were called to remember the time He brought them out of slavery in Egypt.  It was a mighty feat, yet when they forgot the miracle they began to complain or get off the path.  The path they were called to looked different.  My whole first year has been provided through sponsorships, and it hasn’t been easy, but what a testimony.  When the Israelites were walking around in the wilderness wondering about where the next meal would come from, they were called to remember that the same God who brought them all out of Egypt was the same God who would provide their next meal.
Another lesson from today was through the stories of the Kings of Israel.  The Isralealites weren’t meant to have a King, they had God, and they were His people, and he guided them.  But because everybody else around them had a king, they wanted one & God let them have their choice.  They had some good kings but more so bad ones, and it led to a divided kingdom and eventually their exile.  In my finances I have been blessed, but at times I have tried to do it on my own, through photo shoots, or getting a job at Starbucks,, but none of it has worked.  Part of my story in getting to Hillsong was that I felt God did not want me to get a job for the first year.  it seems nice to not have to work, but it is requiring a deep level of trust.  So it wasnt that I applied out of rebellion, but maybe I just forgot to let the God who has provided my whole time here provide.  And every time I tried to take control, just to feel settled, I did not succeed.  Just as the kings of Israel did not succeed.  if only the people would have given the God who brought them out of Egypt the reigns back, if they would have stayed the path.  So I find my storyline right next to theirs, but I will also learn and remember.  When I have $3 in my bank account and I begin to question, I will remember.  The God who brought me to Australia is the same God who will continue to provide my every need.  I think to live by faith and not by what I see requires much remembrance.

Whom the Son sets free, is free indeed.

You see, I believe that Jesus died for me.  Why? Because He loved me.  Because I had sin in my life, and as a child of God, he wanted me back.  This separation from him is real, but now its gone.  And when I got baptized in water, it  meant that I had died to my old life and risen with a new life in Him, beautiful symbolism.  I decided that no matter what happened, I would live my life for Him. He has given me life in more ways than one.  But he didn’t just die for me.  He died for everyone.  He died for you.

So today, I want to do something (not on my own, but with His help, as if I was holding his hand) that set some people free, because he didn’t just die for me, he died for the people that hurt me too.

I want to forgive the man that sexually abused me. I want him to know that he has been forgiven.

There is no way I could do this just as Morgan.  I am forgiving him because of Jesus and in Jesus name and with the help of Jesus.  And there is power in his name, which allows me to write this out.

So I pray he finds this post below:

I want to say I forgive you for the pain you caused me, when I realized what you had done to me over many years was wrong.  When the truth hit my mind, I suddenly found myself in an exhaustible cycle of pain.  I had a hard time in school, and I had a hard time living, and I’m still unwinding the damage, but even so, I forgive you.  I want to forgive you for the damage you caused in my relationships with my sister and cousins and best friends.  We lost some precious years because we were on a journey of pain, walking through unmerited shame, with broken down boundaries .  I want to forgive you for what you made us go through in court, it was a taste of hell on earth for all of us, but I forgive you.  I want to forgive you for the pain you caused my family.  The pain you especially caused my parents, because it trickled down to the rest of us, and it wasn’t their fault.  I want to forgive you for the guilt my parents felt when they thought they didn’t protect us, that was your fault, but I want to forgive you for it. I want to forgive you  for the damage you caused my mind when you lied to me, I forgive you for the inability I have to trust others, because of all the trust you broke with us.  I forgive you for not standing up and telling the truth about what happened.  And I also want to forgive your wife who hurt me by staying with you while we lived under the abuse.  I forgive you for the time I lost with her.  You are forgiven.  The end.  No resentment, no grudge.  I want to be set free like I was intended to, and I was nudged by God as he reminded me that you are equally his child and didn’t deserve this freedom either, but he still gave it to us.  You are still a child of God, but you need to accept His forgiveness, and be set free.  As much as my flesh wants to hate you forever, because I write this through my tears, the enemy has been defeated and I am called to forgive, as I have been forgiven.  So I hope you are set free from the chains the enemy has placed on you, let us deny the enemy his pleasure.  I declare you free in the name of Jesus and by his blood, be set free.  God meets us half way, he doesn’t force anything on us.  He gave us a choice.  I pray that you walk the other half, he is waiting!   Amen.
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Morgan

Revival (Object Write/Spoken Word)

Dead hearts covered in dust & lust,
Found.
Cleansed.
Awakened by LOVE.
Purified & Beating, now hungry for more light and more truth.
Life to the Spirit, God with us.
Chains broken and the prisoner set free.
Christ.
His love pouring out of the Heavens.
New thinking, new understanding.
God is with us!
He never left.
We look to Heaven, to the true King
on his throne.
His kingdom come, His will be done.
NOW is the time.
The dawn of His return is here!
We prepare his glorious return by 
aligning our hearts back to his.
Chosen Children of the Most High King,
KNOW who your father is.
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I have decided.

To all the lovelies back home.  I have decided to continue my study at Hillsong College.  It is more than a decision to stay in Australia for the heck of it.  Its nice here, but I would never trade my family for a vacation. It is more of a personal decision to keep growing, and work on myself, to grow my roots deeper.   It has been such a hard decision, I’ve stayed up late thinking how will I tell my sisters and my mom….and I will miss this, and I will miss that, and what about starting my life? Is this a waste? All these questions have ransacked my brain.  But I pray that when I come home, and I am able to speak into your lives, because I have become alive myself, and awakened the parts of me I have buried, and covered, and ignored, that you will see the freedom, and you will see God in me, and you will know that this sacrifice for all of us would have been the right choice.  So just know that I love you guys!  I miss you more than you’ll ever know.  But this is where I am being called right now. Oi…

Love and hugs and more hugs.

Morgie.
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